I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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