i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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