I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
