duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
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I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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