I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
