Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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