Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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