I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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