So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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