My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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