Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
