when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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