I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
