Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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