Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
