He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
