why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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