I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
