my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it's like heaven, but drunker
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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