If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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