Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Actions speak louder than pants.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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