I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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