We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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