You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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