I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
