It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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