I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
