So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
