he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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