Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
