Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
