I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
