My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
