her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
