Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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