Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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