So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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