we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
