He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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