I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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