first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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