i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
