she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
