Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Randomize
