the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
