It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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