I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
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It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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