They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
