Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
