just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
