I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
