this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
