So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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